Imagine if the tips of our nipples could look around and blink and stuff

eyeslikecominghome:

a commercial for dominos was just on and i guess i was lovingly staring at the tv because my mom says to my dad “i wish you still looked at me like haley’s looking at that pizza”

(Source: kissinbarsyoufool, via unfathomably-infinite)

attains:

attains:

if i were a murderer i’d be the febreze murderer and lead my victims blindfolded to undisclosed locations and i’d ask them what they smelled and they’d be like “omg ocean air and tulips” and then i’d rip off the blindfold and it would be A PILE OF THE BODIES OF MY PREVIOUS VICTIMS

my mom made me go to a therapist because of this

(via awfulghost)

airagorn:

dumb story because i think i’m funny

we were watching a movie in school and there was a scene where this guy was driving over lava and they kept showing close up shots of the tires catching on fire and i started laughing and my friend kept asking me what was so funny and when i finally composed myself i took a deep breathe and whispered

‘hot wheels’

(via ive-fallen-and-i-cant-get-laid)

andallthatfunstuff:

im-deadpool-god-dammit:

antisociable-psycho:

500-days-of-hermit:

You know what makes me uncomfortable? People whose musical interests are confine to one or two pretty specific genres/subgenres

you know what makes me uncomfortable

when someone judges someone based on the type of music they listen to

you know what makes me uncomfortable?

when a strange bearded man wearing an eye patch walks into your house, poops on the floor, and sings cotton eyed Joe the entire time

what

(via satan-official)

dungeonsanddamsels:

this week on “gay porn videos have the weirdest titles”

(via satan-official)